Benjamin had a history project and he was so excited. He couldn’t wait to get home to tell me. As a sophomore, he was required to write an 8-12 page research paper on anything that he wanted. He decided to write his about the Vietnam War and he wanted me to give him some information so that he would have another primary source. He wanted to know what the most stressful battle was while I was fighting in the war. I thought about it for a while. Hmm, which battle was the most horrible for me? After a moment, the answer came to me… Malai. Yes, I was under the command of Lieutenant Calley. Yes, I was involved in the slaughter of many innocent people. I wondered if I should tell him about it, he is only fifteen. But I concluded that he is old enough to know the truth about the horror of warfare. I do not want him going through his entire life thinking that war is a justified offense—that it is in any way morally correct.
We were told that there were hundreds of VietCong hiding out in the fort of Malai. In the dead of night, we went to the village with the full intent of burning it to the ground. Our orders had been to “systematically eliminate” the VC from the area. In military jargon, that basically meant that we had to execute anyone that we saw in the village. In other words, we were ordered by the government to massacre the entire area. It was known as Operation Phoenix and it was put in place by the CIA.
I will never forget what I saw there during Operation Phoenix. We had to torture some of the Vietnamese to get answers. Our troops had to walk all day and by nightfall, they were tired and cranky. They needed an outlet for their anger and their outlet came out at the expense of the Vietnamese that we captured. We didn’t even know for sure if they were VC because there was no way to know with certainty who was a VC and who was just an innocent Vietnamese civilian. Other civilians that we killed were innocent women and children. We had to—we had to do what it took to protect our country (or so our Commander said). I was not so sure.
There was a man captured by the VC. We heard his screams echo throughout the valley all night. It felt as though his scream penetrated our skin and got into our souls. In the morning, we found what all the screaming was about—he had been skinned alive by the VC. That horror has never left me and I still think about it in my nightmares.
Right in the middle of our invasion, some of our officers changed their minds about what to do in Malai. They now wanted to win over the hearts and minds of the people because the realized how immoral our actions were. But it was too late. We could never take back the things that we had done. One cannot change the past. One can only accept what has happened and move on with his life.
I watched the entire trial for Lieutenant Calley unfold a while ago. The Lieutenant was just following orders. But he should have had a moral compass telling him what to do. He should have followed his gut. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe he was following his gut. Maybe his gut told him that the murder of innocent people was somehow evilly justified He was talking during the trial and he said that the hundreds of dead civilians didn’t bother him after the many years he had been away from Vietnam. There is a quote that I have come to live by that contradicts Lieutenant Calley’s words-- "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." ~Rose Kennedy. When I read this quote, it explained my life completely. I realized that the true soldier never forgets the men he has killed. Their screams never leave me. If Calley really had a moral decision-making ability, he would still think about the men he killed. He would never be able to forget but obviously, he has forgotten. I also realize that it is normal for the wounds to never disappear completely—it is the only way the mind can stay sane and a person can learn from his or her mistakes.
Adapted from the story of Lieutenant Calley in Sack, John. Lieutenant Calley: His Own Story. New York: Viking Press Inc., 1971. Book.
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